How to be a Message Board Despot

To begin, Misrepresent yourself. Don't speak too often, find more likable and articulate people and charm them so they will stick up for you.

Use these people to point others to your Blog of a high profile murder trial.

Use personal photo Avatar of yourself and spouse that is as old and phony as you are.

Make self available to answer questions briefly every evening at a not so busy hour. Praise others for their wit.

Use "Wit" of others as though it were your own in busy times. Thank everyone who compliments you on your quick mind with an "It was nothing" attitude.

Bring the "Woe is Me" stories of past problems on message boards out slowly, and only as an explanation for former victims comments.

Create acrimony on the boards and then use that bad feeling to woo others to your own board.

Bask in gratitude and tell everyone they're FREE AT LAST ! Allow everyone to settle in and bond.

Encourage attacks on posters at original board. Give advice and blessings. Join attacks under different Nic's because you are so Godlike that everyone will pick on you under your own name.

Start testing the waters of power by making pathetic little threats to shut down the board, veiled in concern that someone isn't respecting your privacy. Make it clear you want no trouble.

Accept apologies and assurances from others that they would never betray you. Beneficently allow board to stay open. Bask in attention.

Get banned at other board and cut all ties. Leave announcement saying that the other board is evil and you are glad to be rid of it, but not requiring anyone else to leave it.

Claim you don't care about other board, because you are above all of that pettiness.

Get jealous of more popular posters. Collect fawning STOOGES.

Make more announcements about how you "See the board going".

Make sad, hurt, boo hoo announcement about the posters still participating on other board. Start demanding participation in contests and games on your board.

Reiterate how evil and awful other board is, but make clear you are too spiritual and pure to demand that other posters (all full grown adults on their own time) stop posting on other board.

Begin to squeeze life out of board.

Refuse to accept offers to share expenses for operating message board. State your benevolence in paying the costs yourself. Forget to mention you have NO COST.

Interrupt ongoing conversations and divert discussion to yourself and your interests. Explain in full detail what you are “doing”, how you make “CROTCHWARMERS”, even if not asked for details.

Post pictures of CROTCHWARMERS you are hawking (Even though it is against TOS for anyone else to mention a home business).

Take the obligatory comments and praise as invitation to give information for every CROTCHWARMER in your line to other posters.

Take any comment about health, from constipation to gallstones as an open invitation to shove the fad diet you follow, down the throats of all posters. Ask personal questions about them, and claim that said diet has cured you of exactly what they have. Begin to ask for private health information from them.

By posting PHONY PHOTO conceal what this wondrous diet has made YOU look like.

Have loyal STOOGES start throwing TOS around for statements with words 'politics' and 'religion' in them, even if it is not the subject matter.

Whine and lecture posters about spending time anywhere but your board. Explain that you have everything they could want.

Open a private thread on the board, for only yourself and STOOGES. Go to thread and talk down posters who were invited to your board. Make fun of them, belittle them, all behind their backs.

NOTE: Make sure decent honest posters are blocked from this thread. They tend to get insulted when stumbling across it accidentally and seeing the Real You.

Pressure other posters to buy your CROTCHWARMERS. If you can find one with a business of their own put pressure on them, as a "Trusted Friend", to buy from you.

Once they give in and agree, send them recycled crap you've had in another place. Make them pay in PayPal, so you can get that cash out before they change their mind. Ship to suit yourself, the Hell with them.

Begin to snipe at posters for any little thing. Do this on the busiest thread, in front of other posters. Be sure to include hearts and smilies on these mean little reminders.

If poster objects to this treatment, post cold message on board scolding them for making their side of the disagreement public, and request that they take it to pm.

Have loyal STOOGES start posting how sad and hurt you are that people still show minds of their own. Make sure STOOGES suggest that everyone give up the stress of thinking and give into the ease of mindless following.

If independent posters persist in wanting to discuss topics that brought them all together instead of YOUR personal projects and interests, make an Edict forbidding these adults from talking about anything, except subjects you approve. Approved topics include how talented you are, how special you are, your CROTCHWARMERS, eating nasty bread, your pets, what a great writer you are, how special you are, how great you'll feel on the diet, CROTCHWARMERS, where you can buy expensive vitamin supplements to make up for nutrients not provided by the diet, how terrific you are, and, of course, .......CROTCHWARMERS.

Jump on anyone who does not follow the Edict. Include hearts and smilies. If any poster objects to being treated like a child, tear into them on the boards. Be incredibly rude and condescending.

Make sure to accuse them of disloyalty and tell them they should not be disagreeing in front of everyone else. Ignore the fact that you started it, and leave in a dignified huff.

If other posters show anger for your treatment of poster you attacked, back off and say you were misunderstood. You did not mean to say they couldn't talk about those things, just that they needed a different area on the board to do it in.

Notice posters are unhappy. Some leave and do not come back, others point out that you are becoming a DESPOT. Jump all over them, have your STOOGES do so as well.

Try to bring board together by approaching a poster who has suffered a devastating loss. Ask poster to tell everyone the story.

If poster refuses to allow you to exploit their deep pain, for the sake of bringing everyone together, accuse them of being selfish. Make sure they know how much they misunderstood your caring offer. Hope they feel ashamed and relent soon.

Use Administrative abilities to read private messages passing between disgruntled posters. Start a campaign to divide and conquer, pitting posters who still believe you against those who've had it.

Begin banning anyone who isn't fawning. Have STOOGES continue to harass them through other board or email. Assure those still trusting you that all is well. Make excuses for absence of posters. Holidays, moving, work.

Send STOOGES to ex-posters saying they are fed up too, in order to spy. Have spy report back to you. Tell remaining posters others are evil. Send nasty emails showing you have a SPY.

When spy is kicked to the curb, announce there may be a virus on message board to scare remaining posters. Close board and have late night telephone conferences with minions to plan revenge on disloyal posters who jumped ship.

Use name of poster from former failed message board to send out banning notices to any posters spy saw who disagreed with you. Make certain notices say how disappointing it is that you were totally misunderstood. Be sure they know this is all their fault.

Get more resignations from posters who are done with you.

Close board for 'Holidays'.

Find solace on sex oriented board started by aforementioned SPY.

Decide two posters and four STOOGES aren't going to keep the board going, leave it closed until you can find more trusting suckers.

Plan revenge and comeback while watching interest in Blog drop to zero.

Tough work but someone has to do it.