When a Man Loves a Woman

A classic song, one I play over and over. It ranks way up there among my all time favorites. Percy Sledge immortalized it, but it's the divine Miss M, the one and only Bette Midler herself, who belts it out with such emotion that it never fails to grab my heart.

"When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nothin' else . . . He'd give up all his comfort, sleep out in the rain, if that's the way she said it should be."

It isn't stated explicitly, but the song seems to promise that love will last, that it will remain steadfast through tough times and passion, even when the spark of youth is gone. The song is great, but the song is at best a lovely promise and a fairy tale. Love takes work and faith and honesty and compromise. And sometimes - evidenced by more than 50% of marriages winding up in divorce - it doesn't last.

So what does happen when a man no longer loves a woman in this millennium? The increasingly violent answers to that question are providing a seemingly endless series of criminal cases.

The benign, normal answer would be to separate from that woman, get up and leave. The split and the way it happens is a choice. Does he start a fight in order to have an excuse to take off? Does he leave a message on a cell phone? Or leave a yellow sticky on the fridge to announce it's over? Does he confess he has fallen in love with someone else or admit he doesn't want the responsibility or pressure of an ongoing relationship? Does he hide those things of value that he might lose or have to split? Does he step up to the plate and deal with his decision?

Or does he just leave? There's always that old story that begins, He just went out to get a pack of cigarettes and never came home."

Any of these messy, sad, painful endings are at least still on the radar of humanity. The woman has the chance to get over it, get past it, find a new life, or even to dwell and mourn forever. But more and more , it seems lately, the choice is anything but. Instead, the man defiles, abuses, and finally kills the woman. And more and more he even chooses to have the life he created that waits to be born in her womb is taken without so much as an after-thought.

When did it become acceptable to end a relationship or a marriage, by disposing of a woman like an old mattress waiting for the for the trash collector to haul it away and out of his sight? When did taking someone's life because they are unwanted or inconvenient become a choice?

Even if it isn't instant true love or a lengthy marriage or a sweethearts since high school situation, love and passion do - at some point - go hand in hand. Perhaps women are more likely to confuse the two, perhaps not. Does the love have to be life-long? Can a quick tryst on a secluded beach qualify, at least for the moment? Honestly, no, but that does not make it any less wicked and despicable to end a brief encounter with the ultimate display of contempt.

The public remains glued to the news, internet, televison, true crime books, and death row interviews, learning the sick details of men, as a matter of convenience, taking the place of God or whatever higher power, into their own hands. Nicole, Lana, Laci, Natalee, Julie, Stacy, Maria, and so many more have had their lives taken by the men they once loved and trusted. Men who had fathered their children or men they had just met. Relying on an internal compass doesn't seem to work any better in long marriages than it does in one night stands.

Far too often, a man decides to twist and distort the situation to produce the exact ending he wants - the quick exit to a mistake he has made and will not be held accountable for.

GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEAD, TESTOSTERONE IS NO EXCUSE!

Women are not disposable, they do not have sell-by date and then discard stamped on their foreheads, they are not inconveniences. If you want out, GET-THE-HELL-OUT with out resorting to depravity! Pay the alimony and child support, deal with the anger like, well, like a MAN. Not a cowardly batterer.

The key word LOVE is lost to these men and replaced with selfish, self-serving, self important . . . SELF SELF SELF. So when it comes to an OJ or a Scott or a Drew or a Joran or on and on and on, it raises the question: when a man loves a woman does he really love anyone other than himself?

What goes wrong? Too many men need a new roadmap, a new song that addresses what happens when a man doesn't love a woman. When he loves the sex, the convenience and whatever is on his agenda. Sting almost got it right, but instead of "if you love somebody, set them free", change it to " if you loved somebody, set them free".

"You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches, so many souls
Everything we see we want to possess.

If you love somebody, set them free . . ."